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John Lombard
Nov 30
The Leers and Prances of the Upsetting Mr W
Apply the blue eyeshadow, for sleepless nights of scheming. Affix the pink nose and long moustache, for the twirl of the melodrama...
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John Lombard
Nov 19
My teaching assistants, the wee folk
“Gutweed, you will return that IT billionaire to his California mansion! And put his kneecaps back while you’re at it.” “But Your...
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John Lombard
Oct 15
Cravings of Fathers and Mermaids
It is a melancholy truth that as we get older, we find it harder to imagine a world that doesn’t have us in it. For 60 years, we bought...
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John Lombard
Sep 24
Red Lips Sink Ships
“You’re a little short for a famous detective…” “I’m not a detective. Or famous. Or that short, for my age.” “But aren’t you Orpheus...
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John Lombard
Aug 12
By her red hood you shall know her, for she walketh the narrow path that leadeth unto grandmother’s house, and the wolf’s maw
The little girl’s hood was red, and it was lined with the fur of a wolf. The lining made the hood warm, a perfect shield against the...
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John Lombard
Jul 11
Flimflam Forages Ferociously for a Friend to Forge the Future of Funnybooks!
Frank ‘Flimflam’ Fletcher, feted father of funnybooks, fancied by frothing fanatics of four-colour fictions, fetched his febrile foot...
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John Lombard
Jun 6
Final Bulletin of the Community Newsletter of the Galactic Fortress Stardrinker
Special message from Galactic Admiral Trox Mandible When a galactic cycle draws to a close, I like to look back on the events of those 10...
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John Lombard
May 11
Per My Last Attack On Your Castle
Of course, we bow to the samurai. Leave the road. Touch the ground with your forehead. Don’t look in their eyes. Wait for them to pass....
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John Lombard
Apr 7
A Banquet for the Swine God
Sometimes, Tripitaka wished the demons would just eat him. After they pounced on him in a swirl of fangs and horns and yellow eyes, he...
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John Lombard
Mar 1
Prince John v the Salad King of Merrie Olde England
The plaintiff: John, Prince of England. Brother to absent King Richard. Stewards a forfeit realm from a brittle cuckoo court. Dubbed...
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John Lombard
Jan 14
The Hot Chip and Gravedigging Club
Before you can dig up a grave, you’ve usually got to get over a fence. Ribbon aimed a lasso onto one of the pickets, to give us a rope to...
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John Lombard
Dec 28, 2023
The Lights
Let me tell you about the city. At first, it’s a dot of fire on the horizon. Then you get closer, and you see buildings jutting up like...
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John Lombard
Nov 19, 2023
The Beans of Production
I found the little cutie hiding in the coffee grinds. He poked his head out and looked around. He wore a red pointed cap over a smooth,...
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John Lombard
Oct 8, 2023
The Hands of the People
We open on a soldier, Swiss, battered and dishevelled, emaciated from a month’s dreary confinement, now wrenched into the bleary light,...
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John Lombard
Sep 12, 2023
King Solomon Comes For Your Life, Roscoe Goodman!
The squealing feral hogs ramaged rapaciously on Wall Street, skewering scuttling, blanching bankers with their piercing tusks and...
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John Lombard
Aug 6, 2023
Unidentified Monster in the Bagging Area
Cindy wasn’t right after the late shift. She wouldn’t let us turn on the self-checkers, so we had to ring up sales on the tills. We don’t...
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John Lombard
Jul 9, 2023
The Beast of Versailles
The Beast did not have to pay for the gloves. True, many aristocrats did not settle their bills, on principle. True, residents of...
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John Lombard
Jun 4, 2023
Ghost Paper
It was noon on the last day of the 9th month, and Qin Ming hurled himself along the busy streets of Kaifeng, hunted by ghosts. He passed...
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John Lombard
May 5, 2023
A Confederacy of Lanyards
There are rules for lifts. Some rules are obvious. If you are part of a group, use one lift, and travel together. Face the door, so you...
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John Lombard
Apr 3, 2023
The Three Heads
The man reached into a bag. He pulled out a head. The head was scrubbed with soap, with the hair combed and tied up in a knot. The teeth...
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